Communication is so important in a relationship

My partner and I met in university. I was 19 and he was 22. It was both of our first relationships ever, with anyone.

During the 6 years of dating and 4 years of marriage, we have learnt many things about ourselves, each other, and our relationship. I do not claim to be but there are some things I found out about myself and my partner along the way that might be useful for others. I was encouraged by a friend to write this after I gave some solid advice on the matter.

Communication is really the key. If you have concerns, you need to lay them out to your partner. Try your best not to accuse, nag or scold. Stay calm even if you are agitated. Think of how to talk to your friends, use that neutral tone. We tend to have high expectations from our partners because we think so highly of them. We forget that they are just normal human beings with faults and flaws. Talk through with each other, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many tears are shed. My longest conversation was overnight. At the end of it, you will feel much better, there will be no grudges and you both will have grown from the experience.

At the same time, communication should also be for acknowledgment, appreciation, expressions of love and support. Express your love as often as you can, without smothering. It does not necessarily have to be the words “I love you”. It could be the bear hug when you see each other after a long day at work or a mealtime gossip session. These things go a long way in reinforcing the bond.

I know too many couples who go about their lives without effective communication with each other. They don’t talk about anything that goes beyond the surface. It might seem alright when the relationship is still young but overtime it will take a toll. It also affects the emotional and mental wellbeing of the person who craves for a connection.

A scenario that I found out about a couple recently:

Question: “How was your day today?”

Answer: “Fine.”

It ended there. Nobody bothered to speak after that. They went on to make dinner for the family and once the kids were seated, the conversation belonged to them. The couple went to sleep that night without making any further attempts at a conversational connection. They have been married for two decades but there is no connection between them anymore, or was there any to start with? It pained me to be a witness to this breakdown. What was worse was that one of them had confessed that they were heading towards a divorce.

I started this story wanting to list down things I have learnt from my decade long relationship but once I started writing about communication, it felt right to write about that alone. It is that important. If a good conversation habit does not exist from the start, all is not lost, it can be cultivated with patience and practice.

Couples need to communicate effectively about anything that they need to handle as a unit. About the home, children, parents, education, career, sex, just to name a few. How will you know what the other person is thinking if there is no conversations about it? People are not mind readers, no matter how well you think you know your partner. It also goes the other way. No one should assume that dropping hints is a good way to communicate about serious topics. That should be reserved for playful times only.

In conclusion, talk! Talk to each other about your feelings. Do not hide. If not with your spouse/partner, who else will you share these things? If all else fails, a therapist might need to come into the picture. Happy conversing!